Q: Dude, you totally reviewed my record. How come it’s not up here? Is it not one of “Portland’s Best Albums”?
A: Possibly. But I also maybe just didn’t get around to posting it yet. I’ve got more than 500 record reviews to sift through and I have a day job and stuff.
Q: “Portland’s Best Albums” is pretty fucking officious, isn’t it? Like, who are you to say which albums are the best in Portland.
A: It’s true. I’m kind of an arrogant dick like that. If you don’t like it, too bad for you. Start your own web site.
Q: Can I send you my record for possible review?
A: No. Don’t do that. If I want to review your record, I’ll buy it or stream it and listen to it. I don’t want to know anything about you.
Q: Are you only reviewing “new” albums?
A: No. I’ll review anything made in the general area of Portland, Maine, at any time, past or present. Like, I never actually did review Lincolnville’s album. I’ll probably do that at some point in the future.
Q: Don’t you think it’s kind of bullshit to only write about “Portland’s Best Albums”? Like they’re all so wicked good? What is this, the Portland Press Herald where everything is sunshine and butterflies?
A: Well, if an album sucks, I don’t really see the point in telling people not to listen to something they weren’t going to listen to anyway. Nor am I saying that all of these records are perfect. I’m just saying that all of these records are at least worth listening to once. And, in my case, probably five or six times. Enough to write them up and tell you what I think about them, anyway.
Q: How come you don’t use a number rating system like Pitchfork. Or stars. Stars are so pretty!
A: People who rate albums with numbers or stars are dickfaces, in my humble opinion. They’re meaningless and arbitrary and reduce all of the written words to essentially meaninglessness. I just write about records. If you want to know what I thought, you should read all the words.
Q: Hey! I use stars in my reviews. Who are you calling a dickface?!?
A: You, I guess.